Southeast Texas Record May 5, 2015, 10:54am


In the movie Casablanca, Claude Rains plays Captain Renault, a corrupt Vichy police officer who must find a pretext for shutting down Rick's Cafe Americain.

Though gambling was technically illegal in French-occupied North Africa, In the movie, the cafe is famous for its roulette tables, at which Renault enjoys extraordinary “luck.”

“I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!” he suddenly announces, as a croupier hands him his winnings for the night.

Renault thanks the croupier in a whisper and loudly orders the cafe closed.

If anyone is ever foolish enough to try to remake one of the most beloved movies of all time, we know someone who would be perfect to play the part of Capt. Renault: Elaine Salazar Browne.

Sure, she's a woman with no real acting experience, but it wouldn't hurt to update the 1940s movie for modern audiences – most of whom don't even know what WWII stands for (or whether it comes before or after WWI), can't identify the combatants in either war, and would be hard-pressed to find North Africa on a map of Africa.

Changing a major male character to a woman would be delightfully transgressive, had it not been done ad nauseam already. Plus, Elaine Salazar Browne of Beaumont has already given a stellar public performance demonstrating that she knows how to feign consternation and promote a narrative.

Ms. Browne seems to have missed the 2013 ideologically-driven documentary Blackfish, which laid out the PETA-principled argument against SeaWorld's treatment of orcas (and against captive animals in general). Thus unprepared, she was shocked, shocked to discover killer whales at SeaWorld San Antonio. Apparently, the place has giant water tanks full of big fish. Who knew?

Overnight she became an expert on the subject. She then filed a righteous $5 million class action suit against Sea World of Texas, alleging that the facility has concealed the “mistreatment” of its featured animals from the ticket-buying public.

We're shocked, shocked that anyone would question her motives.

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